A Profusion of Monochromatic Paint Jobs

On a sunny afternoon something got in to me and I just needed to fire off a nutty petrol-fueled diatribe to the local BMW dealership. I really didn't expect a response; who knew this guy would be game? Truly, the only thing better than a crazy rant is a receptive audience.

Original Letter

Dear Adam,

Business must be booming for you; I’m enviously admiring all the new 3-series sedans slowly flooding the streets of Seattle. Admittedly, more than a few owners have probably been vexed by the discovery of smudge marks in the shape of my nose and hands on their passenger side windows.

I’m a bit curious, however, about the profusion of silver and titanium livery worn by these vehicles. What’s the deal? A merciful Chris Bangle spared us a horrific mutation over the E46, but the last time I checked BMW produces these cars in at least six colors that aren’t grey-scale. It’s nice to have familiar body lines, but where are the blues, reds, and greens?

I own a lovely metallic green 2000 323i and I feel as though its look has held up much better than those ubiquitous silvers, which to this day continue to pour out of dot-com parking lots like pancake syrup out of a…uh, bottle of pancake syrup. Is this continued predilection for monochromatic styling a demand-side or a supply-side phenomenon? Are people in Seattle really that boring or is there just a limited supply of colorful cars coming out of the factory?

One other thing. I was checking out a neighbor’s 2006 325i and was horrified to discover that it didn’t even have chrome exhaust tips. Raw exhaust pipe protruding from the rear end of a Beamer? Say it isn’t so! Sure, it was clearly an entry-level base model, but you sold them a $35,000 car and couldn’t slap on a pair of $60 exhaust tips? I’m so embarrassed for the owner—not to mention the brand—that I’m seriously considering buying some and attaching them in the middle of the night!

Well, I hope you’ve found this rant entertaining. It is nearing service time for my ride so maybe I’ll have a chance to stop in and drool over some of your new cars …assuming they aren’t silver.

Best,

dm

The Reply (What a salesman...)

Hi David,

A truly brilliant rant I have to say!

In the midst of our inventory are nestled a few cars sporting paintwork of a more colorful nature though. Might I say I find Red a particularly feisty color, giving the car some "anger" that the silver and grays fail to deliver.

I am, mercifully, on vacation for two whole weeks as of tonight - so please schedule your service for after that so we can hurl abuse jointly at the latest Banglesque creations, not to mention the shortcomings of BMW's 'What should be Standard?' Department.

Heres's an idea, when you schedule your service beg for a loaner.... Beg for a new 3 series and try one out for the day, you know what they say - Loaners and rentals are the fastest cars in the world.

All the best,

Adam