SEATTLE – The 2006 baseball free agent market, markedly bereft of pitching talent, has proven lucrative for several unheralded starters. Following the Kansas City Royals’ questionable signing of free agent pitcher Gil Meche to a five year, $55 million contract, the big-budget Seattle Mariners have responded by signing an American Bald Eagle to a four year, $60 million deal.
The Mariners, desperate for veteran pitching with playoff experience, should be a good fit for the 20 year-old Challenger, a human-raised American Bald Eagle, or
Haliaeetus leucocephalus. Challenger appeared in the 1999, 2001, and 2003 World Series with the New York Yankees, where he was trained to fly from center field to the pitcher’s mound during the playing of the National Anthem.
“His simple ability to locate the pitcher’s mound will make [Challenger] by far the most accurate Mariners pitcher on the roster,” said agent Scott Boras.
Challenger himself had no comment during the press conference, and instead nervously picked at an eviscerated marmot.
“We believe we’ve filled a big hole in our starting rotation with this acquisition,” said Mariners General Manager Bill Bavasi. “We’re in a very tight market. We weren’t able to get Jason Schmidt or Ted Lilly for less than $15 million a year, so we went with a very comparable option, talent-wise, in the form of this large bird of prey.”
“The Seattle Mariners are not only committed to a fielding a winning baseball team, but also to being an organization that has a positive connection with the Northwest community,” added Bavasi. “You could almost say that the Pacific Northwest is Challenger’s ‘natural habitat’. He’ll thrive in this environment, both on the field of play and in the lowland swamps and river valleys of the Puget Sound region.” said Bavasi.
The acquisition is not without controversy, however. Some critics, mostly baseball traditionalists, have pointed out that Challenger’s razor-like beak and long talons are violations of a rule that states pitchers cannot possess sharp objects while on the mound. Boras vehemently defended his client by pointing out that knuckleball pitchers such as Tim Wakefield maintain long and sharp fingernails so as to attain a better touch on the baseball. “Challenger needs his blade-like appendages in order to correctly grip the baseball and also to snatch up and disembowel unsuspecting prey,” remarked Boras.
In addition to the controversy over his beak and talons, Challenger has had past run-ins with local law enforcement. During a 2004 trip to Seattle to appear at a GOP election rally, Challenger was cited by U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service authorities for fishing in Lake Union without a license. Challenger reportedly caught and ate ten migratory Chinook salmon, a threatened species protected by federal law. Official reports stated that the bird may have “exacerbated the situation by littering a downtown street with fish carcasses and entrails.”
Challenger’s off-the-field troubles extend beyond a predilection for aerial poaching of restricted seafood. Despite being a deft flyer, Challenger has a well-documented fear of airplanes. Challenger was severely spooked during the 2003 World Series by a pre-game fly-over by a squadron of F-14 fighter jets. The disorienting noise caused the Yankee pitcher to erratically circle the infield and repeatedly buzz teammates Jason Giambi and Derek Jeter. Obviously rattled during the game, he never found his control and recorded a loss to Josh Beckett and the Florida Marlins.
Seattle’s home stadium, Safeco Field, is in the approach flight pattern of the Boeing Field airport, and games are often punctuated by the noise of jet engines at close range. ESPN Senior Baseball Analyst Peter Gammons commented on Challenger’s psychological makeup, saying that “the Mariners are taking a risk with him; he lives with a sometimes debilitating phobia of being sucked into a high-powered turbofan engine.” On the positive side, Gammons pointed out that “even if he isn’t immediately productive on the mound, the Mariners will save money with one less plane ticket to purchase for road trips.”
Despite the pitcher's troubles, Bavasi defended the signing. “We realize that yes, he is a Bald Eagle, and yes, he has no arms. We also believe that he is a much more viable number two starter than Joel Piniero.”
Rumors abound that other clubs are keying off the Mariners front office. Inside sources report that the Baltimore Orioles are in talks with the St. Louis Cardinals for minor league outfielder Mr. Ruffles, a Toronto Blue Jay.
Labels: bald eagle, baseball, challenger eagle, free agent market, humor, scott boras, seattle mariners
The last time I was there
